Tempering my good friend Milo's Milo's boyish geekness, I strive for a little more empathy, and little more grounding in the richness of human interaction.
A few years ago, on a college computer system running Unix Version 7, I managed a bulletin board style program (similar to a single threaded news program) devoted to people's sexual fantasies. I think I'm still recovering from discovering how uncreative most people are when it comes to sex. Granted there were a few inspired messages, but most were tired old variations on the same plot. Gender Y meets gender X in a idealistic setting, clothes magically disappear, pant/sigh, overused expressions that exaggerate their own prowess and trivialize the interaction into a soundbite wet dream. Everything fits just right, there are no social disease, and little if any emotional baggage beyond a quickly fading orgasm.
So we turn to fetish gear, shock value, extreme situations, and drugs in a futile attempt to convince ourselves that we are alive, yet for many, even this is a slow death, perhaps the sensations get more intense, but soon the vices become the habits and we move on to the next attempt, getting a little more desperate and a little closer to death without really being alive. Instinctively, we know the way to satisfaction lies on a path more inward, yet most of us never find the time to pursue this. Many of us turn to living our fantasies in moving pictures bought and sold, I prefer to not go down this path.
Well, I'm trying to break the pattern! But I don't seem to have any more of a clue than anyone else, I'm left with just that echo in the back of the head that I'm as lost as everyone else.
So I occupy myself with the usual things, toiling for hours, creating a fantasy escape that (thankfully) never quite becomes real. I've seen that the reality of acting out most fantasy scenarios is the same old stuff. Either reality intrudes, or the scenario gets real enough, that its not fantasy anymore, it is the same work you want to avoid. (Or you leave a big mess for the cleaners to clear out). My particular escape is roughly centered on 1860 era clothing and mannerism, but due to living constraints, the dreams are packed away, waiting for the time and space to unfold. Dealing with most organizations devoted to the 1860's time period quickly gets you back into politics, primadonna's and a lot of grueling work. Then there is the never ending discussion about what is and is not authentic, these were supposed to be escape fantasies after all. Each snide comment about the correctness of an item shoots another arrow into the fantasy, though perhaps improves the impression for the visitor looking at the re-enactment. I think I'll enjoy the time while the dreams can stay just dreams. I'll let some new visions of clothing creations simmer for awhile. They are fantasies after all, why tie them to a particular time period.
Hmm, guess I need to get out more...
Soon, I should be able to unpack the boxes containing my dreams and let them live again in the light of day. I'll be exploring a new area to live and make a home.
For now, e-mail is the best way to contact me. Mostly keeping the account alive to keep some contacts with old friends (and perhaps new ones) alive. Thanks to the kind folks at Spotted Dog Sytems.
Alice Morgan
last updated 8/1/96
malice@sptddog.com